i already hear my dad disowning me
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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