Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
