you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
