why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We have started to decorate penises.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
