I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
