Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize