i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
