Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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