it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
