I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
