i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he thought i was a dude.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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