Your tits are I can't wait for
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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