Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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