i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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