Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
