I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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