i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
high people should be assigned attendants
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
