why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
