If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
