Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
