I've blown a few things in my day
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
