it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
