Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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