if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize