my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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