I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
