took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
