You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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