she's into porn, im staying here tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
