best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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