I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
