I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
