the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
