Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
