WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
