Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
