I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
