The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize