He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
