my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
