sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
