Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I need a burrito and a hug.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
