i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
