Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
