I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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