I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
how drunk are you?
Several
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
