u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know her cup size but not her name....
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