I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
