I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize