Don't make out with my wife yet
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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