they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize