apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
