Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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