Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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