that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
