god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
