Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
