Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
