i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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