seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize