I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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