I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize