Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
