I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
